if you wonder where i am

if you wonder where i am
ask the postman
he'll tell you my mail has piled up
packed and bursting into my sad copper bin
sitting in a row with all the other apartment boxes
210, 405, 108, that one's mine
"not sure where she's got off to," he'd say
"by the looks of this, she sure ain't here."
stuff, stuff, cram and shut.

if you haven't found me yet
ask the grocer
he runs the little market
next to the taco joint and the dry cleaner
he's seen me walk in with cloth bags
and walk out with wine, carrots and goat cheese.
"oh the red head with the taste for cheap red wine," he'd say,
all sure and unconcerned.
"haven't seen her in weeks."
brrrring, brrrring goes the door and the register.

if i'm still wandering about
ask the holy father
no doubt, he keeps tabs on me
he squelches my silly whims
he unveils my secrets and shouts them to the world
no dignity, nowhere to hide
"not for that sad little girl," he says.
"i'll tell you where she is, but first
love me as i love you."
for there is always a condition.

what are those faces

stay in the hall, baby
no, don't you come in here
you hear me, baby girl, i mean it
shh, it's ok
just wait for mommy
i'll be right back
oh god, oh please god no
wake up, goddammit, you hear me
wake the fuck up
don't you leave me, not like this
nothing's the matter, baby
oh god
just stay in the hall like a good girl
that's right, daddy is just sleeping
hello, i have an emergency
my husband is unconscious in our living room
there's blood everywhere and, i...i
i think it's coming from his head
please send an ambulance quickly
don't tell me to calm down, i am calm
i'm sitting in a pool of blood, his blood
the fucking love of my life
so shut the hell up and get here
soon, what the hell is soon, please
no, i can't feel a pulse and he's um, i don't think he's breathing
should i start cpr, oh god, what the hell happened
who did this
what the fuck is happening
yes, i'm still here
i have a towel in the bathroom
ok, i'll put pressure on it just wait, jesus
i can't breathe
ok, ok i'm pressing it on his head where it's bleeding
i don't hear the sirens, where the hell are they
oh, don't cry sweetheart
daddy is going to be ok
the policemen and ambulance are coming to take daddy to the hospital
they can make him better there
i know, honey, i want to hug you too, but i have to be with daddy now
just listen to my voice, honey
we're going to be ok
sing for you, ok baby what should we sing
ariel, of course, help me start it sweetheart
look at this stuff isn't it neat
wouldn't you think my collections complete
wouldn't you think i'm the girl
the girl who has, oh god
it's the sirens, do you hear the sirens baby
oh thank god, oh please god hurry
he has a head wound
there's blood everywhere
i don't know how long, at least 10 minutes
is he going to be ok
come here baby
shhh, just rest your head
i know you're tired, just sleep on mommy
i'm going with you in the ambulance
please put my daughter up front with you
no there's no one, i need her with me
i'm not going anywhere baby, you're staying with me no matter what
sirens
beeps
traffic
creaks
mumbles
the dull piercing drone of a flatline
screaming
do something
cops at the er
my baby girl in my arms
my love in a mess of tubes and blood covered with fumbling emts
don't try to handle me
you don't get to ask me a damn thing until i know my husband is alright
what do you mean i can't go with him
don't ma'am me, that is my heart and soul you are taking with you
they're taking daddy to a special room where the doctors can make him better
i don't know, baby, i don't know
pacing
crying
holding
pleading
the coffee they gave me goes cold, untouched
her head is heavy in my lap, asleep
three of them come out
what are those faces, what do their faces mean
i'm sorry, mrs...
white
black
red
a nurse takes my baby
my knees give way with a snap
the grey sterile carpet tastes like snot, tears and detergent
i need to see him
now, take me to see him
i don't care
i walk into my own death
i've orphaned my daughter
how can i tell her, we were one flesh
grafted into one vine
what will be left of me for her
she will never know me as a living creature
the night is over